Can you define mother in one word
"To be a good mother" - what does that mean?
As a mother, do you always have to be balanced, helpful and patient? In a word: perfect? What it means to be a “good mother” - and how you do not miss out on yourself despite all your dedication.
Even if you as a mother have a good grip on everyday life and the dear little ones actually look happily out of the laundry and develop well: The question of whether you are a good mother moves every mother, even if you are already a grandmother.
But what does she actually look like, the “perfect mother”?
Every mother interprets the “perfect mother” a little differently for herself. The Hamburg psychologist Angelika Faas says: “No mother offers her child everything. That doesn't work and isn't even necessary. Therefore, no mother should feel guilty if one or the other good resolution is drowned in the hustle and bustle of the children. ”Every mother has her“ specialties ”and is not an“ all-round machine ”that can do everything. "You should never forget: What is great for another child does not necessarily have to be ideal for your own," says Angelika Faas. And, very important: if you ask a supposed super mother, you get the answer quite often: “Perfect? Nonsense! With us it's haywire. ”From the outside, things often seem different than they really are.
Also being allowed to be the "meanest mother in the world" ...
The question: “Does a mother have to be perfect?” Can be answered simply: Of course not. Because being perfect is a claim that nobody can meet. A mother is probably just right as she is. And this includes the fact that a mother is sometimes unjust, forgetful, in a bad mood, that she bribes her children with gummy bears, that she neglects the household and slams the doors. Or even “the meanest mother in the whole world”.
“A good mother is not one who sacrifices herself for children and the family. But one who lives in harmony with her own needs and those of the child, ”says Angelika Faas. “A mother who has found such a balance in everyday life is simply happier, and of course that is good for the children too. If you can never switch off internally, your batteries will soon be empty. ”The psychologist therefore advises:“ Organize enough time for yourself in everyday life; Time when your children are looked after by other people. Only then will you have the inner freedom to devote yourself to other things that are also important to you. "
Children love their mother unconditionally for who they are. That is great luck, but also a responsibility: namely not to disappoint this love. Anyone who brings up children feels that the essence of being a mother is not just about baking chocolate muffins with Smartie decorations for the birthday party or driving nine-year-olds in time for football - although practical things like this are also very important. To be a mother means to be affectionate, to empathize with the soul of a child, to protect it - and at the right moment to be able to loosen up and let the child go its own way. And being a mother means being a formative role model.
Mothers who are crazy about perfection
A study shows that mothers have a greater influence on the social life and school success of their children than fathers. But what shouldn't lead to the obsession with perfection!
Mother has a huge impact on children's lives
A study by the German Youth Institute revealed: “The social inclusion of the child in the circle of friends is influenced by the education of the mother, not that of the father.” And the education of the mother is more decisive than that of the father for school success. To put it pathetically: to be a mother means to participate in the creation of a new generation, and in many moments it is a creative and fulfilling process. However, life with children is often in competition with the world of work. Even today it is not easy to reconcile being a mother with the fulfillment that comes with working life. Or even just with the need to earn enough money for the family. But something else is interesting: Strangely enough, as a mother of society you never seem to be able to do it right anyway. A mother who chooses to stay home for the first few years of her children's lives is viewed by some as if she were engaging in an exotic hobby. And a mother who goes back to work shortly after giving birth is still sometimes assumed to want to pursue a career at the expense of the children. One thing like the other is absurd. Studies have shown that children are happy and develop well when they have loving, reliable parents - whether the mother worked or not played a minor role in their happiness in life.
Biggest mistake a mother made: wanting too much
But maybe as a mother you still fall into the trap of perfection too often. Somehow, as a mother, you want to please everyone. No wonder: we are constantly encountering demands and ideals as to how one should be as a woman and mother. Heidi Klum and Claudia Schiffer demonstrate that you can have a dream figure again just weeks after giving birth. The psychologist Angelika Faas says: “Our image of motherhood is still exaggerated. And often we women have unconsciously internalized it strongly. We feel doubly responsible for everything that concerns children and families. Much fewer demands are made of good fathers. "
Her advice: “If you feel imperfect as a mother, ask first: where does this feeling come from? Is it even justified? And not immediately: How can I do it better? ”A mother can hardly find role models in television series or films.
Where does maternal love come from?
Being a mother is a gift and pure happiness. But there are also downsides and stressful phases. Nevertheless, every mom should never forget to be proud of herself!
Being a mother also has its downsides
It's not all just perfect. After the birth of one or more children, the body changes. With some more, with others less. And the partnership is being put to the test, especially in the first few years. In addition, a family with several children has less money available on average than a childless couple. And in the time until the darlings graduate from school, a mother simply has little freedom. But was that why a mother wanted to trade? Despite these struggles and obstacles: becoming a mother, having a child, seeing it grow up, spending time with it is just a great gift.
Scientists have researched how mother love arises: During the birth process and when breastfeeding, the mother releases more so-called “attachment hormones” such as oxytocin and prolactin, which activate the attachment system of mother and child in the brain. Oxytocin also makes you feel happy during sex. During “bonding”, the phase shortly after birth, the hormone strengthens positive feelings. Some mothers experience these moments almost intoxicated. In the first few weeks after the birth, almost something like a “honeymoon” with the baby. But also “high spirits, saddened to death” feelings are quite normal in a new mother. The so-called child pattern (googly eyes, big head) also arouses the protective instinct in the mother. The need for help, the crying and especially the smile, awaken and maintain parental care behavior in the mother. But the emergence of motherly love is not only a biological and instinctive process, it is also culturally conditioned. Psychologists have found that women who have had loving, affectionate mothers of their own find it easier to treat their children the same way.
Five reasons a mother can be proud of herself
➤ 1. You gave birth to these wonderful beings!
➤ 2. Every day you are ready to give them love, to take care of them, to play with them, to comfort them, to listen to them, to set boundaries, to read aloud and to cook their favorite pasta sauce!
➤ 3. Don't despair if your children have to experiment with shampoo, have to go to the bathroom when you've just finished putting on their snowsuit, or the baby gets a fever when you want to go to the opera.
➤ 4. You take your daughter's pink-pink phase and the “I only eat pasta” time with your son calmly. And your musical feeling survived a few years with Rolf Zukkowski and other audio CD super hits.
➤ 5. You manage a small family business! Parents evenings, football tournaments, new braces, flute lessons and greeting cards for grandma - you can do it!
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