I am confused about my future
Meaning of life, doubt and panic about the future ... I am confused
Hello my dears,
I'm not really sure how to start this post.
I am 28 years old, married, have a good job which I also enjoy and recently we also fulfilled our dream of having our own house. And yet I'm just so incredibly unhappy ... If I knew why, I would at least have the chance to change something in the situation. I hope you can possibly help me a little, or after reading my article you have ideas what has led or leads to the fact that I currently feel the way I feel.
I don't know if this condition is a kind of "quarter-life crisis" or something like that. From the outside, I could actually be satisfied with my life, I have some things that other people dream of, such as a house and a good job. But I still feel so empty, constantly doubting the way I live my life, whether I've always made the right decisions. I worry myself about how my life could have been if I had done certain things differently or not. I'm just so incredibly dissatisfied and I know myself that that sounds incredibly stupid, considering the fact that there are people with real problems (illness, strokes of fate, poverty, etc.). I am partly ashamed of my dissatisfaction, of being unhappy, of doubting everything and of striving for a fulfilled life. I know there is this saying “Everyone is their own smith for their own happiness”, but how am I supposed to forge something if I don't even know what would make me happy?
I brood about the meaning of life almost every day and find it quite tiring and sobering not to find a halfway satisfactory answer. Maybe my demands on life, on love, on being happy are far too high, maybe I should just be content with what I have, I definitely try. But my heart still feels so incredibly empty and cold. I panic about the future, panic about this everyday life, this rut that one falls into ... When I think about having a child, it feels like someone is taking my breath away. I then have pictures in front of my eyes regarding my future, which only consist of getting up, getting the child ready, going to work, coming home, doing housework and going back to sleep. A daily cycle and I seriously wonder if that is all? Life is fleeting, one day we all have to leave the field and you never know when it will happen, everyone could be run over by the bus tomorrow ... And that was it? Was that then this special, so precious life, which each of us is only allowed to live once? I just find these thoughts so incredibly irritating, shocking and terrifying and I have the feeling that I have to savor my life to the full. The only problem is, I don't know how. It's not like I'm sitting at home alone and the days splashing around and I'm waiting for it to pull me away, no. I have friends, I am a very open and humorous person, I like to do things, I would travel anywhere in the world, if I had the financial and time options, and yet I am missing something. And I have no idea what it is. Sometimes I look jealously at other people's lives, which are so incredibly exciting, people who were offered opportunities that I can only dream of, people who savor life completely, who were just damn lucky to have been in the right place at the right time, or to have grown up in the right area or to have been born into the right family. I know it's not all gold that glitters, much of it is also superficial and you never know what is really going on in these people, but still it always fills me with a little longing and envy. I have absolutely no problem with admitting to myself that it's envy or something like that.
I've always been a “I think too much person”, I've always tried to analyze everything, my thoughts often go on the roller coaster and like to ride. But lately it just threw me completely off track and I would fucking like to know what it is. Maybe I can't really cope with being an adult, although I'm actually pretty much in control of my life. It stings my heart to think that life is so fleeting, that so many years have passed, that life is so serious that I can't really enjoy it. Full of longing, I often think of the time when I was younger, crazy parties, great summer nights, first experiences, first love, heartbreak, drama, etc. Everything wasn't always nice, but now everything is so run in ... life is bogging down It goes by, day after day and year after year and everything is so cumbersome and obligatory, you just feel unfree, restricted, constricted, like locked in a hamster wheel in which you run the same laps every day until the lights go out at some point ... Sometimes I would like to just toss everything, take a back seat to morals, rules and social constraints and venture out into the big wide world, in search of the meaning of life ... but, not everything is possible .. .
I ask you for an honest answer, what is wrong with me? Why am I so bitter, sad and confused inside?
Thank you for fighting your way through my long post, I hope I was able to put down what burdens me in a reasonably understandable way.
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