What's up with monogamy

Sex (go)
Do we really love free? Why we need the Sexual Revolution 2.0.

Monogamy is a disaster. Almost every second marriage in Germany ends in divorce, and the number is rising. The average length of a relationship is four years. Around half of adult Germans have cheated on them at some point. Affairs are the number one cause of divorce. No wonder: More than half of them do not see their sexual desires fulfilled in their partnership.

Whatever the reason: It's a catastrophe, a disaster. When you consider that 99% of us want to live this way, even though 99% of our role models, grandparents, parents, teachers raise us this way. Although 99% of our narratives, stories, books, films, series, comics are so knitted and have been forever. From Shakespeare to Walt Disney to Game of Thrones. From minesong to the Rolling Stones - whatever the mentally neglected youth unfortunately hears today.
 
It always says: 1 + 1 = Love.
 
That is the not exactly straight equation of our monogamous ideal of relationships. That is what we are trained to do, this promise of salvation, this quasi-religion called love: “I have to find the one person. The great love. Then everything will be fine. ”But it only works so mediocre. And we accept that.
 
The author Anne Waak writes: "The divorce rates in this world, if applied to commercial aviation, would have long since led to their abolition." “But in our intimate life,” Anne Waak continues, “such a supposedly individual failure is considered a human failure. And as a completely normal thing, because of which, nonetheless, quite a few suffer the most terrible pain. "
 
And we feel that. That this is not right. That this is unjust. But we don't know why. Because basically we still don't know enough. Because sex is still a shame topic. Because there is a lot of talk about it, but not really talked about. And if they do, hatred hits those who deviate from them.
 
"A man would be enough for me"


 
For my book Whow we love. From the end of monogamy (2017) I met many people who love freely in one way or another. I wrote down your love stories beyond classic relationship models. And from the beginning I noticed: The monogamous mainstream is allergic to this liberation of love. The people in the book and I were cursed as sick, stupid, and liars. The same reactions come after every interview: interest and curiosity. Or rejection and hatred. But my favorite comment is and remains that of Tanja. She wrote: "A man would be enough for me."
 
As funny as it sounds, that might be the answer. Because the important question is: where does the hatred come from? Why don't people take care of their own bed? Why aren't they happy with their conventional relationship and done? The answer could be: Because they are often not happy. Perhaps this lack and hatred and intolerance are more or less directly related. Maybe the lack of tolerance maybe just comes from the lack of happiness with sex and love?
 
Because: A sad story of sexual discrimination is repeated here. On the one hand, with the polygams and polyamores, there is again the next minority who are fighting for understanding, for whom it is difficult to come out because their love is socially ostracized. And on the other hand there is again a mainstream that projects its own problems onto the minority. So maybe it is time for something fundamental to change. Maybe it's time for a second sexual revolution.
 
Sexual Revolution Zero
 

© pixabay CC0We all know the first sexual revolution. After women in particular had been determined by others in their sexuality since time immemorial, everyone should now be able to love equally - in other words, they should be able to make their own choice of whom to love and how. Since then we have been living serial monogamy, on a free market for love and sex. But that wasn't the first sexual revolution at all.
 
The "zeroth" sexual revolution was practically sedentary life. The evolutionary biologist Jared M. Diamond also called it "the worst mistake mankind". It was probably then that monogamy as we know it today came into being. This transition from hunter-gatherer to arable farmer and rancher represents the most dramatic change in the behavior of an animal species on this planet that has ever been observed. Everything - nutrition, social life, social structure, even anatomy - changed fundamentally. Probably also sexuality. Man and woman literally pulled the plow together and formed a corporate unit in order to survive.

When we settled down we needed strong economic units, in other words: families. Common destiny had to stick together. Separation could be life threatening for the family. Of course, there were also polygamous societies, but from a western perspective, what ultimately prevailed for the time being? The most limited, poorest model. There are good reasons for that. Above all, monogamous, patriarchally organized systems simply worked well in the sense of strong societies, of nation-states fighting for resources. Monogamous people were easier to subjugate, women were disenfranchised, men tied to their families. Monogamy was a bloody model, but it made us fly to the moon. This made monogamy, so to speak, the potato among the relationship models. Poor but practical. All the evidence suggests that the hunters and gatherers lived a more polygamous life. Nobody less than Scarlett Johansson therefore concluded: Monogamy cannot be natural when it is so strenuous.
 
Generation porn and the search for happiness
 
Regardless of how our sexuality was originally constructed, one thing is certain: today we live just as little sexually according to our original nature as we eat differently and exercise too little. But knowing that our bodies were once made to run and hunt, we now make up for this deficit with exercise. And sexually?
 
Porn. Virtually freely available in Germany for about ten years. Even teenagers can get to an almost endless amount of deep throatings and gangbangs with relative ease. From tender to hard, from missionary position to torture sex, now luckily also feminist and reasonably sophisticated. So is a brutal, completely hypersexualized generation of porn junkies growing up?
On the contrary. All studies agree: Young people can very well distinguish between real sex and the artificial porn world. The average age of the first sex of German adolescents stagnates at 16 years. The first experiences are mostly so-called "petting", that is, slowly approaching the hard material. Nothing is known about orgies in classrooms. For the first sexual experience you need the “right one”. And how do you find it? Didn't online dating and Tinder screw us up completely?

© pixybay, CC0The story of 41-year-old Alexander Pieter Cirk points in a different direction. The Dutchman was hospitalized for physical exhaustion after waiting ten days at the airport in Changsha, China, for his internet love, Zhang. He had flown 8,600 kilometers from Amsterdam to see her, stayed at the airport for ten days with instant noodles, but she never came.
 
Where was Zhang? A television station was finally able to locate them. She got a photo of the plane ticket from Cirk, but thought it was a joke, she said. Cirk traveled back to Amsterdam - and still believes in a happy ending. "I couldn't see them, but our relationship has grown stronger," he told a television station. Maybe the man is just crazy and lonely, maybe madly in love. Who knows. In any case, his case shows that we all want to find someone. With or without online dating, here or in China.
 
Almost everywhere in the world, unfortunately, people still cannot live and love as freely as most of us in Germany. Also because our abundance is at their expense. From this follows the moral obligation to those who are not so free: firstly, to make this freedom accessible to them, secondly, to be tolerant and thirdly, to damn well use our freedom. It is high time for a sexual revolution 2.0.
 

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