What is a good breakup
Bad relationships: Breakups can be worthwhile
If you stay in a bad relationship for too long, you miss out on some luck. Although the fear of jumping is usually great, one thing is certain: nobody is permanently bad after a breakup.
Breakups get a bad rap. After all, they hurt. Families and groups of friends break apart, life is turned inside out, stability is gone for the time being. But experts say: Separations can be worthwhile. And they argue against staying in a relationship for far too long. "After all, it's all a question of perspective," says couples therapist Nadja von Saldern from Berlin, who has written a book on this subject entitled "Happy Separation".
Breakups can offer opportunities
Because in a separation there are also opportunities. You can develop yourself further, take care of yourself, your own life comes back into focus. You no longer have to argue and you no longer suffer from the behavior of your partner. "Those who say goodbye to a destructive relationship often feel a great deal of relief after a breakup," reports von Saldern.
A lot of aggression and anger has built up in such relationships. "People lied, insulted, hurt. You are permanently electrified," says relationship coach Sandra Hinte from Sinzheim. And that makes you sick. You can no longer find peace at night, your head hurts, your back is tense.
"Sometimes you should just go"
Couples who live next to each other in a kind of shared apartment are less harmed. "Crumb relationships" says Hinte about this. Because you would only get crumbs and never the whole cake. "You have to ask yourself how authentic you are and what needs you are constantly suppressing." In this way, you block yourself the chance to live in a fulfilled partnership with closeness and sexuality.
The book author Heike Blümner ("End now") reports on the encounter with older people who ask themselves today why they did not separate or at least not much earlier. They mourn the wasted lifetime. "Sometimes you should just go," said Blümner in conclusion.
What To Do When You Think About Breakup
At the beginning, when the first thoughts of a breakup arise, a kind of diary can help. Here you can enter when you are doing well and badly in the relationship. You should also worry if you keep arguing about little things. Because this is often a valve to let go of anger about completely different, much larger conflicts. Other questions to ask yourself:
- What are my thinking and behavior patterns?
- What could I have done wrong in the relationship?
- And how could it be better?
Of course, you should try to talk to your partner. This gives you the chance to develop together - maybe with the help of a coach or therapist. If all of this is of no use and a separation occurs, this much thinking and talking also has a great advantage. "You can tell yourself that you have tried everything. That reduces or even prevents feelings of guilt," said Hinte.
Fear of loneliness is common
But of course, negative feelings will come during and after the breakup. The most common is the fear of loneliness, and self-doubts often arise. The better the newly separated can deal with it, the faster he will be happy and satisfied with his newly gained autonomy.
This also applies to the one who has been abandoned. It is true that the world will collapse for him first. He feels like he's drowning. "But at some point he gets aground, pushes himself off and comes back up," describes von Saldern. "As a very capable person." But that takes time, a year ago such a complete mental renewal is not to be expected.
Peaceful separations are rather rare
In any case, one thing is certain: no one is forever sick after a breakup. "I don't know anyone who would have said:" It was a huge mistake, "" says Blümner. How you cope with a breakup also depends a lot on how it went. However, peaceful and sensible separations are rare. Usually at least one of the two goes crazy at least temporarily.
The abandoned person may mistake his fear of loss for love and flatter his partner - and shortly afterwards become angry and abusive. There are threats, for example, that the other will no longer be allowed to see the children. "The problem is that the other person who actually wants to leave often does not remain clear," explains von Saldern. He goes along with the changing emotional outbursts of his partner, also because of his own insecurity. The matter becomes more and more destructive.
This is how you avoid a war of roses
Anyone who wants to separate at least reasonably, should therefore remain as clear as possible in their statements and goals. "You should concentrate on yourself and not be upset. Even if it's difficult," said Blümner. She also advises getting emotional support from good friends.
On the other hand, you should definitely avoid going to a lawyer immediately. Once he has done his job and has written an unfriendly letter to "the other side", this is the safest way to start the war of the roses.
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