Do you ever get over your business?
Over with lovesickness and suffering: why a breakup is no drama for you.
This post is intended for everyone who is in the middle of a separation situation - after I received umpteen inquiries, I spontaneously felt like writing something about it.
(You can tell whether a breakup makes sense in your case HERE read).
My text applies to women AND men without exception - for the sake of simplicity I have written it from the female point of view - but it does not change the general validity.
A breakup is not necessarily good for the soul - but it does not have to be bad, traumatic or infinitely painful.
At least not for a love ambassador.
Every separation is as individual as every partnership - for this reason it is impossible for me to go into all the variants and relationship constellations in detail.
But what I can do is:
To give you so much confidence, clarity and strength that you can stand upright in any situation - it may seem absolutely catastrophic to you at the moment - and are neither desperate nor permanently devastated.
Regardless of how horrible it has been so far and how ugly the details are.
1. Over with lovesickness: Get out of the emotional swamp.
You must know:
everything that has to do with relationships and partnership-based love is the supreme discipline of emotions, the festival of feelings, the climax of the flushing of the soul.
As beautiful as these are when all is well - they are so hideously painful when everything goes down the drain.
I do not judge anyone for it.
I know exactly how much it hurts.
Therefore your direction is called:
Get out of your feelings.
Get out of everything that intensifies the emotions, brings you to the emotional level and keeps you there permanently.
And this is how it works:
Over with the love smack on Netflix or in the cinema, away with the romance novels.
Don't hear any more love songs that make you even vaguely sad, or remind you of him, or let you indulge yourself emotionally (it may be that you can't turn on the radio at all because literally everything is sappy! And that only occurs to you now on!).
Delete all text messages from him, all WhatApps, all emails, all photos (if you don't want to delete them because of the children, send them to your friend so that she can keep them for you. You should no longer have access to them yourself, however.)
Separate yourself from all gifts, throw away "his t-shirt that still smells of him", dispose of everything, everything, everything that reminds you of him and deals with him or your (now failed) future.
Follow him on all social media channels and block him if you ever caught yourself thinking "I'll show you how good I am / how beautiful I am / then he thinks about it and sees what he has lost ... ".
Eliminate all external access through him (direct or indirect) and every contact with him (also no "I hope I run into him by chance, and look stunning, and then he realizes ...") and give your soul no nourishment Form of renewed excursions into the past and bathing in the emotional swamp.
Do not exchange ideas with other women who have also been abandoned and therefore bathe themselves in a swamp of emotions (no judging, though!), And do not meet friends who assure you that you will get back together because you belong together - otherwise you will be in zero Comma nothing back inside.
Out, out, out of the feelings.
“But Joanna, I want to admit all of this to myself, a farewell is important in my opinion. After all, we'd been together for 23 years. I once read that in a lovesick book. "
Yes, nice - treat yourself to the pain if you like it.
Honor your sadomasochistic inclination, but we are here at the message of love, here and now only my opinion counts, I love you, see clearly, and tell you: get out of there.
(If they wrote it that simply in their book or seminar, it would be a thin book / short seminar and they couldn't charge any money for it.)
I don't think at all that you have to give yourself the painful swamp just one day longer than necessary.
Not a single hour longer.
Not a single second.
If you are a love ambassador, the first thing you have to do is decide:
it's different for me.
I wouldn't listen to any separation stories at all, wouldn't want to hear about other divorce dramas, no disappointed single parents - my ex is an asshole googling stories.
None of this is relevant to you.
No matter how much the curiosity gnaws: you have to decide for yourself that everything will go well for you.
So don't wait and see how you feel (what do you check, how you feel? Didn't I say: get out of there?) - but decide first, and any feelings to the contrary
This is absolutely the most beautiful starting point:
how should your separation phase go?
I have decided for myself that I will not accept anything other than dignity, respect and strength for myself - I am not responsible for the other (we will come to that in a moment).
2. Do not artificially prolong your suffering: No excuses.
Because it's so important, I'll clear up your soul's favorite counter-arguments in a moment - what you will absolutely avoid is:
No "Let's talk about it again." (= "... because then I can convince you that I am the best for you.")
No "But we can stay friends." (= "... and then at some point he will find out how great I am, and I will get him back.")
No "It's just complicated, but we can do it." (You're not seriously going to have a complicated relationship ?! Tax returns can be complicated. But not a relationship. So not yours!)
No "But it was God who brought us together, and that shouldn't be given up ...") (= and if I only pray enough, then God is so annoyed and finally sees that he is forcing my ex to ... ")
No "It's my soulmate and we belong together no matter what." (The soulmate thing is the greatest romance kitsch for having high expectations of relationships. Just forget the shit.)
No matter how hard you try to convince me why "He was the ONE and you want ONLY HIM and NO ONE":
all these are just excuses of your soul, which collects arguments in complete panic, like other stamps for the net.
And both are roughly equally undignified.
“But Joanna, what if we belong together and gave up way too soon? And Aunt Gerda also said that you ... "
The following applies to a love ambassador:
What belongs to you is never disgusting, complicated, painful, good-but-with-compromises, lengthy, unclear, manipulative, or associated with many strategies and thoughts.
What belongs to you will always come to you in a simple, beautiful, exhilarating way, and stay with you - you never have to hold onto it.
You cannot lose what belongs to you, no matter what it looks like.
And none of that applies to Aunt Gerda and also not to your girlfriend with her strange boyfriend - it only applies to you if you trust love.
Let's put it even more simply: if you trust me and belong to me.
As an aside:
There are very dubious / dodgy offers online on how to win your partner back ("order this book now, and your dream man will become you, etc ..."), and out of sheer desperation and in deepest pain you might be tempted to book it .
This is manipulation at its finest, and not worthy of you - you don't need the devil as God's dirty helper.
Besides, it's just moneymaking, and basically it's a scam.
3. You are bigger than anything old: The solution is the solution.
You know I truly love you, and that's why I can speak plainly ONCE, okay?
Let ‘die that thing.
Let it die
No matter how nice it was.
It doesn't matter what you envision for the future.
No matter how many children and trips and wedding anniversaries you have already planned on the veranda in front of the house by the lake with your grandchildren.
No matter how great the sex was or how deep the connection between you guys was.
No matter how "But it was from God, and the pastor also confirmed it." (And if 3 angels had appeared to you and 5 prophets had confirmed it.
It doesn't matter how many years you've been together, and how perfectly everything went so far, until this other woman came along.
No matter how nasty and brutal and mean he is now.
No matter how traumatic or unexpected or gross the breakup was.
No matter how bad or beautiful everything was - let it die.
It has to die, okay?
Just be dead.
Not so semi, not so half in the “But then he'll come back, will he?” - hope, not because of “I'm going to prove to him now that I'm happy without him, and then he will notice what he has in me, and then he thinks again ... ".
You have to decide that this entire box (and by “box” I mean the joint trips abroad, future grandchildren, the wooden bench in front of the house, all professional projects, the whole future together, everything, everything, EVERYTHING) died for you immediately is.
There will never be another way.
Before that there will be no freedom, no happiness, no relief and no joie de vivre for you.
And the faster you let it die, the faster you will become free.
“But Joannaaaaaaa, I can't! It's been so beautiful for so long, and we went so well together, and everything went so well, and it was so unexpected, and it wasn't all bad, and maybe it will be again and ... "
Please read point 2 again first.
And now this:
Your life is much, much nicer than this one partnership.
Your future is much bigger than the house on the lake.
Your person is much more precious than chasing a dream that is no longer (more like this: nightmare).
Your view is so much wider through me, so many stronger, so much clearer, so much freer - YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE than what was previously called "your future".
The most beautiful, greatest and best of all is waiting for you - and that's why you can leave the old behind.
Behind the panic and fear and shock there is something so beautiful and exhilarating and free - just wait and see.
“But Joanna, I can't see that at all right now. It just hurts like hell. "
I know it.
We do it like this: you can cry for a moment, but at the same time you trust me, yes?
You don't have to feel it at all, or be convinced of it, or check anything - all you need is your inner "YES, Joanna."
The other will be fine.
This pain will go away, I guarantee you that (you'll be surprised how quickly. It felt sooo dramatically terrible. Oh, the devil is such a blender.)
And all that will remain is pure bliss about the step into freedom.
Strength and zest for life and flow await you, as beautiful as you have never experienced it before.
4. If you are treated unfairly: asshole partners.
In a world in which love reigns exclusively, a separation from both sides would run into dignity, greatness and even love, everyone would afterwards believe that it was best for everyone, and although one would no longer be a couple, but after all, in mutual respect and affection, grateful to each other for the past time.
And then another unicorn would jump out of the bushes.
It is clear to everyone here that this is the absolute exception, right?
Wake up ‘from your dream-thinking, there are asshole partners (for both sexes, they don’t give each other anything), I know that for sure.
The devil exists.
And this one will take absolutely every chance to hurt you, to deal with shit, to harm you, and preferably to destroy you completely.
He uses every opportunity available to him to do this, and if he can use your ex-partner, it will be a bliss for him.
I can only say the following about this:
You are only ever responsible for yourself.
Always. just. For. you. self.
And if you decide that size, dignity, strength, then no action, no person, no situation can permanently get you out of this position.
Perhaps briefly, when the emotions flare up - but then don't let you impress, but calm down, and stick to what you have decided. And then again. And then again. If necessary, 176 times.
With a former partner, the emotions are always umpteen times stronger than with an ex-girlfriend, boss, colleague, or other relationships - of course!
You had completely opened up and confided in this person - of course, asshole behavior is painful at first ("How can he / she ?!")
If children are also affected, it is doubly painful ("How can he / she, it's his / her children ?!")
Now listen carefully to me:
Whining, complaining, and complaining about how asshole the ex is and how he made your life the hell ..., etc., only does one thing:
you are the victim.
I even go a little further - wondering about it or being horrified is a waste of energy.
No matter how right you are, and how understandable it is and "Omg, he REALLY said that ?! What an ass ... “- as soon as you slip into the role of victim, it's over.
Over with joie de vivre, over with ease, over with happiness for you.
From now on you are (unconsciously, of course, because nobody can be so stupid that he consciously does it) bound to HIS statements, HIS actions, HIS goodwill.
Like a dog on a leash.
Only that your master does not love you, but would like to choke you into one.
And also the ex-master is.
"But Joanna, it's about money!"
I'm not stupid and I know that it almost always gets nasty when money is involved.
Nevertheless, when it comes to money, it cannot be that dignity, size and strength cease for you.
For every ex-partner choking, for every mean behavior, for every nasty act that only aims to harm you and the children, I have only one answer, and it is here:
"But Joanna, does that also apply if my ex no longer wants to have anything to do with his children?"
"But Joanna, does that also apply if my ex suddenly became gay / emptied my accounts / cheated on me several times / ruined me financially / brought everyone against me?"
"But Joanna, does that also apply if he doesn't stop spreading hateful, hateful things about me?"
"But Joanna, that's so hard!"
I'm not tough at all, I love you, and I don't want you to suffer.
Do you understand: you have no decision-making power and zero control over him.
But you have one hundred percent decision-making power over yourself, your reactions and your actions.
And you will most certainly not become bitter or hard, and sacrifice your lightness and verve on the altar of the supposed "eye for an eye-tooth for tooth-righteousness".
You definitely don't want that.
You retain your dignity and trust that everything will change to your advantage.
And that's exactly what it will be.
Your future may not be what you believed it to be for a very long time - because it will be umpteen times more beautiful, bigger and more inspiring than imaginable.
And a couple who were happy before has never split up - otherwise they wouldn't have split up;).
So a breakup is something real, honest, positive and healthy - and much, much better than chasing after something that was just so semi.
Everything is open to you now.
And that's where the adventure begins.
P.s. HERE go to Jil's video on the subject.
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